Virangi’s 2020

You know there is this point in life when the world seems to be at a standstill when suddenly everything seems to cease to exist and it all looks blurry as if you’re looking at a far-fetched city landscape, from high above the clouds, when you sort of feel withdrawn from the very scene, while you are yet very much a part of it?

Those moments when nothing makes sense and yet everything makes sense or as we put in Dickens words “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

So what happens then? When life seems to lose its momentum, as it turns darker every day, with nothing but more morbid news to wake up to each morning? Do we still cling onto hopes? When life seems like a blank black sheet, should we still scratch for the tint and tones, only to find out black isn’t the darkest of all colours?

Amidst a pandemic how does one really stay optimistic or is there a reason or a purpose as we call it, enough to cling onto to help us get through the worst of times? How strong does this purpose need to be? Can it be a mere reason to just keep living with the acceptance that someday it’ll get better but not knowing when? How does one deal with uncertainty? “Can” we cling onto hope or “should” we? Though Tagore would argue only to say “ O poor, unthinking human heart! Error will not go away, logic and reason are slow to penetrate. We cling with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe the weightiest proofs against it, embracing it with all our strength. In the end, it escapes, ripping our veins and draining our hearts blood: until regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into snares of delusion all over again.”

Did it really take a pandemic to make us rethink about our entire life? Was not a minute, an hour, a day or a month enough for us to figure where we were heading? Were six months of constant pondering enough despite the constant upheaval of emotions? Guess its never enough, but life coming to a standstill was certainly the need of the hour. Have we been so busy living our lives, chasing and fighting the cat race only to realise that sometimes we need a moment for ourselves?

A moment, ironically so significant that it is enough for us to figure the rest of our life! A moment of absolute solitude, a moment where the mind freezes, where the emotions run numb, when you are so quiet within yourself, that the only thing you seem to hear is the rhythmic beat of your heart. A moment to rethink, reconsider nothing and yet everything. To know that this is all I have got, this very moment to analyse my entire life like a fly on the wall. To know where I want to head forward and to know what I need to leave behind. To know what matters and what doesn’t. To know what deserves your utmost attention and to know what doesn’t need a second thought. To know who to cling onto and to know who to leave behind. To know what it means to be back to the nineties and to know what to look forward to in the next decade. To know how important family is and to know what it feels like to be alone. To know what it means to have a gazillion friends and to know who even called. To know how your grandparents were when they were young to know how you were so oblivious about your own people. To know what you see yourself like in the next five years to realising how you’ve come a long way. To seeing people leave to knowing who stays.

Most importantly a moment, of being vulnerable with yourself, to knowing and accepting who you are when nobody is watching you but you.

Maybe that’s all 2020 was about: “THE MOMENT”

Virangi Doshi

An artist, book addict, and an impulsive poet on a
pilgrimage to find and write raw unaltered poetry.